Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day! We went to visit Abigail's grave today. We are hoping that the grass over Abigail will grow green soon. My mom cut a tulip out of Abigail's garden to put it in the vase on her grave. I joked that this was because Abigail had only one lip.

I really apreciate how much my mom cares and loves her children, even though we are sometimes hard to handle (or always hard to handle). My mom wanted to visit Abigail and show her love for Mother's day, so that is what we did.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Salt and Pepper

Sparky Mama, Binky, and Sparky

We got three chicks yesterday. We are getting 8 more soon to make 11. If you were one of my siblings the day we got them, you would see how protective I am of them. I still am that way a day later because I don't like it when someone picks up a chick by their wing or drops one from too high up.

This is because I've had chicks before.

The first chick that died in one of our homes was named Salt and Pepper. He was a gray ball of fluff with little black and white specks covering his body. He never did anything wrong and was the smallest out of all the chicks we had. Guess how he died? Pasty butt.

Pasty butt is when the chick's rear is covered in waste, preventing it from going to the bathroom. The waste builds up until the chick passes away. To prevent this, someone must wipe the baby chicken's rump clean of the waste with a warm, wet, paper towel.

Salt and Pepper never did anything wrong. But his owners didn't know there was a problem so, sadly, he had to go. It brings me comfort to know that Salt and Pepper is smiling down from the clouds, watching to see how carefully I take care of his kind.

He wasn't just a piece of meat and neither are any chicks. They are all creations of God that He loves very much. Abigail is one of his loved creations as well. She never did anything wrong, but she had to return to her Heavenly Father, just like Salt and Pepper.

And I think they are great friends.

Dedicated to all of the chicks who have passed away in our home.

Nature and Abigail

Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/chicks-easter-chick-easter-yellow-5014152/

Today my family and I went on a little walk around the block and were trying to notice nature all around us. What helped me focus on that was taking out my camera and recording animals, plants, and trees. I was grateful for the nature that God has given to everyone on earth and it made me wonder how heaven looks. 

Every living thing will be in heaven, including the plants and trees. Nature will be everywhere. The only difference between heaven and earth will be that heaven will look like Spring all of the time. The scriptures clearly tell us "...not a hair on your head will be lost" (Luke 21:18) and so will it be with the plants, trees, and animals. Not a leaf, branch, hair, feather, nor piece of fur be lost.

But how does this relate to Abigail?

Abigail's body was like all of ours. Imperfect. Jesus Christ's body was imperfect as well, but his spirit was completely perfect. So is Abigail's. I know Abigail is beautiful because all of the love she brought me.

We visited Abigail's grave after the walk and my mom told everyone to tell Abigail what we would give her when she is resurrected. Of course my mom stole the best one: "I will give you a hug and cry" so when it was my turn I responded, "What she said". 

I'm not just going to give her a hug, I'm going to give her a really big, brotherly, bear hug. When I cry, I'm going to cry a lot. And they won't be sad tears.

They will be joyful ones.

Thoughts About Abigail

I have not written in a while because I wasn't sure what I would say after Abigail left. I have different feelings everyday, but I always find myself in deep thought whenever someone says her name.

Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/baby-hand-infant-child-father-2416718/

Abigail's name means "gives joy" and is very, very accurate because of the angel she is. In Hebrew, it means "my father's joy" and though I'm not her father, she is my joy as well. In fact, she is her brother's joy. According to Wikipedia, Abigail is "an itelligent, beautiful, loyal woman" which I am sure she would have been if she had lived longer on this earth. It brings me peace to know that that is exactly how she is described in heaven right now.

You would almost think that Abigail would have been able to stay on this earth and that she would be completely fine. It would seem that the two cleft pallets would soon heal and there would only be two identical scars on either side of her face that would hardly be visible. Maybe her brain would finally fully develop and the placenta would be able to be carefully removed from it. She would grow up just like any other child except for her undersized feet and fingers.

But this was not to be. She would return home to her Heavenly Father in 22 and a half hours, letting every one of her siblings hold her before she had to do so. Abigail would leave her oldest brother in tears once he held her. He is now very thankful that someone had donated blankets and that he had one to cry into. He has promised that he would never wash the tears out.

If I had to use one word to describe Abigail, it would be love and--if you gave me another one--I would choose joy. Not just because that's what her name is, but because that is what she is. She is my hope, she is my heart, she is my joy.

And I am glad that she's mine.

Hope, Not What I Thought it Meant

Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/hands-open-candle-candlelight-1926414/

I used to hope that my sister would miraculously survive. Now I know that that is not what I should be hoping for. Now I hope that Abby will help our family become spiritually stronger. 

I did a short study on the word "hope".

In 2 Nephi 31:20 it says:

"...press forward, having a perfect brightness of hope..."

That scripture teaches me that if you lose everything, you can still have hope, and if you have hope, you have faith, and if you have faith,  you have God,  if you have God, you have everything you need.

Hope can also be defined as "a feeling of expectation and desire for something certain to happen."

I used a search engine that shows the origin of certain words. I looked up "hope" and this is what I found:

"Some suggest a connection with hop....on the notion of 'leaping in expectation' [Klein]."

"Late old English hopa 'confidence in the future,' especially 'God or Christ as a basis for hope,'..." 

There is also "Old Frisian and Middle Dutch hope, Danish haab, [and] Dutch hoop"

I also realized that "hope" sounded like "hoop" since the formal is eternal and can never be taken from you.

I also like the explanation hop for "leaping in expectation" listed above.

Words that are similar to hope are faith and trust (but not pixiedust!).

Here is a quote that I found:

The people of the Earth Kingdom are proud and strong. They can endure anything, as long as they have hope.

-Prince Zuko; Avatar, The Last Airbender 

Now I see that I was hoping for the wrong thing. I now know what the true meaning is. I know that Abigail and I will see each other again. I hope that she helps my family to be worthy enough for the Savior's return.

Born the Same Month as Her Brother

Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/michelangelo-abstract-boy-child-71282/

My birthday is coming up tomorrow (Feb 8th), but I'm not quite as excited for that as I am for Abigail's birth. I used to think that it was coming in March, which was true until Mom decided to have an early one on the 25 of Feburary. "Is that OK?" she asked me. I was astonished. Why would that not be OK? Then it hit me. My mom was born the same month that her older brother was. My uncle's birthday is a day before my mom's. He is exactly 4 years and a day older than her. Now I saw why my mom asked me that question.

I am both excited and nervous for Abigail's birth. Being nervous can be a good thing sometimes. I once went to a Tween Author Boot Camp. I was very nervous. The last thing I expected to happen was that I would win. Those who didn't win were thrown into a pit (I just made that up but it was still pretty scary). I won first place in my age zone. That experience exceeded my expectations greatly. I'm glad I didn't have pride before I knew the results because I would have had less enthusiasm finding out that I won. I believe that being nervous for Abby's birth is a virtue. I know that she will bring love to our family. I know that she will do other great things for us that we just don't know about yet.

Source: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/puzzle-heart-love-two-hearts-1721592/

I can tell that my little sister's birth will be a very special one. I can feel her love and I know that she will never really die. I will always have room in my heart for her. Nothing can give me more peace than to know that she will always be here with me. I am proud to say that I have an angel as a sister. Abby is my angel friend now and forever.

BIRTH UPDATE:

Abigail's birth was very special. You could just feel the love reflecting off of Abby and onto everyone else. She is and was a very special baby and we love her just as much as she loves us.

Searching for Mission and Meaning

Abigail Réileen is very loved. Every day we tell her we love her and I can feel that love like a wave through my body as it travels from my thoughts into her experience in the womb. It's one of the few gifts I get to give to her.

As I seek ways to honor her and also to rediscover purpose, mission, and meaning in my life, I am pleasantly surprised to find that there is something I can do right now in my life as a student at BYU majoring in Neuroscience.

In my path toward graduation, it's time to join a lab. Yesterday I visited with Dr. Stark and discussed what it would take for me to join his lab. He is doing work on the molecular basis of neural tube defects like Anencephaly and Spina bifida. One night when I couldn't sleep, I went to BYU's neuroscience department website and searched the labs and research going on at BYU. When I came across Dr. Stark's brief description of his research, my heart leapt.

Even though Abigail doesn't have classical Anencephaly, because hers was caused by amniotic band syndrome interrupting development of her head, I have gotten to know many other Anencephaly mothers through the process of coping with our initial diagnosis. We have something in common because we have all been told 1) that our babies are going to die, 2) that there is nothing anyone can do, and 3) that it isn't our fault and nobody really knows why it happens. For future pregnancies these women are often prescribed high doses of folate to protect against neural tube defects. But even so, some of them still have a second baby with Anencephaly. Many of them have rainbow babies, a healthy baby after an infant loss, but never stop wondering how their angel baby happened.

I know first-hand how understanding can be a salve for grief. Clarity goes hand in hand with comfort for those of us who just need to know. And knowledge is power, especially if research can find something more in terms of the factors, genetic and environmental, that are leading to this blip in development within the first thirty days of an embryo's life.

When I saw Dr. Stark's research, I felt joyful. An oft-expressed lament in the Anencephaly group is that the medical industry is disinterested in our babies. They often simply recommend termination upon diagnosis, as if it won't feel like as much of a loss if we stop the baby developing before we feel him or her kicking in there. But there's no hope given for the possibility of life, and it feels so wrong that nobody is doing anything to try to save these babies. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child. When I saw that someone IS doing research on the developmental hiccup that causes Anencephaly and Spina Bifida, I felt happy.

So I waddled across the BYU Life Sciences building and braved the stairs yesterday in order to meet Dr. Stark. On my way there I saw this sign.

I wonder at what God has done in my life, bringing me to this place where I may be in a position to help others.

It's not a done deal for me to work in Dr. Stark's lab. I have preliminary work to do before I can be accepted, and Abigail's scheduled birthday is in three weeks, so much of it will have to wait until my whole family is in recovery mode. It gives me hope to think that I may have a purpose going forward, that there is something beyond this monumental countdown to Abigail's birth.

If nothing else, it makes me happy to see that research into this phenomenon is ongoing and that a driven and capable scientist like Dr. Stark is doing it. Through him I've learned that others are doing research, too. Where Dr. Stark is studying the biological mechanisms and how known instigators of neural tube defects actually work, others are studying the genetics angle. Of course none of this pertains directly to Abigail's amniotic band syndrome, which doctors have explained to us as a "fluke." And even if it did, it wouldn't guarantee us more time with Abigail. None of this brings back the children of these other women, either.

All we have been left with is a forward-facing mandate to keep living for our babies and our surviving family. And that has to be enough.