What a tender, awful nightmare. It's hard to put it into words.
Abigail, our Abigail, was there with us, and I was taking care of her: picking her up and putting her down for sleep, though she wouldn't sleep. She cried and I tried to comfort her. It broke my heart that I couldn't comfort her.
And then the realization hit me that she was not really here at all; it was only an illusion of her, and even the illusion was painful because she was inconsolable.
And I asked myself if I could give up the illusion of her, understanding that it wasn't real and that I couldn't have her in fullness, in reality. It was either this painful illusion of caring for my daughter or nothing.
And yet, I couldn't let go. Even the dream was hard to let go as I felt myself waking from it. I wanted to stay there with her, even just the illusion of her -- in spite of the pain of watching her cry and being unable to calm her.
I cannot let her go, even after she is gone.
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