A Difficult Question

Source: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/question-mark-question-response-1019820/

I was talking to someone while I was at Simulations Week and they asked me how many siblings I had. That was a very hard question to answer at the time. Did that include siblings in heaven? I almost wanted to reply that I had four siblings, because that was my usual answer. But now it was different, because of the birth and passing of Abby.

Luckily, families can be together forever. In fact, Families Can Be Together Forever is like Abigail's theme song. We sang it to her when she was born as shown here:

I had been asking God for quite a while for a sister. That is exactly what I got last February, just not in the way I thought. I expected a sister that would live on earth for a long time, but that wasn't quite the case. Abigail is even more special than I had imagined. An angel sibling is still a sibling.

So obviously, this question was not as difficult as I thought it was at the time. I have five siblings. Layne, Ben, Daniel, Corbin, Abigail, and any other siblings that may be waiting in heaven to come to live on the earth.

And I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

Thriving and Growing (GoFundMe Update5)

Twenty-four days ago we launched a GoFundMe campaign to cover the medical costs from Abigail's birth and my postpartum healthcare. You all responded so generously, and we are now $779 away from our goal! THANK YOU!

I am still experiencing troubling symptoms, but it isn't all the time and I have hope of finding answers. This coming month will be one of testing and trying different things to see what helps with my full recovery. In the meantime, there is family and there is joy.

Sam, the day after returning from Simulations Week

Corbin, Ben, Daniel, and Layne enjoying each other

The little boys all started copying Layne and following him around the house. While other times this might have annoyed him, Layne chose to laugh at it and take advantage, making his brothers put on a show. "La, la, la, la, la--hey!"

Sam recently returned from a leadership camp put on by Ensign Peak Academy. He shared some of the fun experiences he had. As part of the architect guild he designed and built two buildings for the new city, a theatre and a dance studio. The first two days they designed them using Minecraft and then they built them from foam, hot glue, and other materials. Unfortunately, he forgot to take pictures of anything except for some silly door signs! He had a roommate who kept calling him Wesley because he "looks like a Wesley." The entire group of attendees sang a song about a beautiful city, which was the theme of the conference. They recorded it on video so I'll see if I can find and share that when it gets posted. Sam really liked the song. By the time we arrived home, he was too wired to want to sleep so we had to send him to bed. So much excitement for four days in a row!

Burst of Joy rose

Every rose that blooms in our gardens reminds me of Abigail. This one's name is Burst of Joy. Because Abigail means "Joy of the Father," this rose especially reminded me of her. Every new bloom in Abigail's garden brings me so much joy. I believe they bring her joy, too.

Father's Day at Abigail's gravesite

Abigail's new flower arrangement

For some reason, it makes me indefinably happy to put new fabric flowers in Abigail's memorial vase. This time I chose a few of my childhood favorites: hibiscus like we grew in Arizona when I was a young girl, and Gerbera daisies, which were my favorite in college.

Abigail's new baby tree - a honey locust

The tree by Abigail's grave died during the winter, along with a few other young trees in the cemetery, and we were joyful to see them all replaced when we visited Abigail's grave for Father's Day. The new tree by Abigail's grave is a baby honey locust tree. Its little green leaves are so abundant and cheerful. I can't help but imagine how happy she is to see things growing around her.

Abigail's family is thriving. We miss her every day. Every day. That will never change. But she is not totally gone. She is here with us and we are reminded of her gentle influence in so many ways, from day to day.

Here's your Dumbledore quote for the day:
“The ones who love us never really leave us, you can always find them in here.”

Upheld by My Righteous, Omnipotent Hand

I wrote this at the stroke of midnight last evening:

A verse popped into my head today. That happens quite often; music is my balm. Today it was from a hymn written by a regular person but in the first person voice of God. It strikes me every time we sing this in church that we are singing as if we are God speaking to us. Because it's church, we usually only get through three or four verses due to time constraints. But verse 7 has always been my favorite and that's the verse that went through my head and into my heart today:

How Firm a Foundation

Verse 7:

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

 I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

 That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

 I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,

 I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

 

 (Text: Attr. to Robert Keen, ca. 1787. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.

 Music: Attr. to J. Ellis, ca. 1889)

Maybe it is the number of times the promise is repeated that He will not forsake those who trust Him, but the power of this verse stays with me because it reminds me that God's promises are sure. Sure. Certain. All earthly promises are only a shadow and mimic of His promises. Though the heavens and the earth pass away, His word will not pass away but will all be fulfilled.

I'll end this with Verse 3, which is much more often sung in church and also bears the promise of aid and deliverance:

Verse 3:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

 For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

 I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

 Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

 Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

I am in His hand.

And so are you.

Seeking Joy, Choosing Light (GoFundMe Update4)

We went to the local pond yesterday instead of the organized field trip to the lake because I wasn't strong enough to take the kids on an adventure without my husband and he had work during that time. I'm grateful he works from home and was able to take us all to the local pond for a half hour during lunch, just long enough to watch everyone shiver in the cold water, tread water, and brave the rope swing! There is still joy in our lives, in the midst of unknown causes of mysterious health problems and missing Abigail every day.

We are so grateful to God for you. If we had known from the start the hospital was going to discount our final amount due so much, we probably would have tried to cover all the costs of Abigail's birth and our emergency care ourselves. Like most people, we don't love asking for help. But if we had known from the start, then we would not have asked our friend Mike to help us tell Abigail's story in a short, sweet video that sums up a lifetime in just a few minutes. We wouldn't have shared this so widely, and all of the thousands of people who watched Abigail's video would have missed out.

We also would have missed out on knowing what incredibly kind and generous people we have surrounding us in this moment.

My dad meeting Abigail

I think God meant for this to happen. All of it. Sometimes I almost think I understand, though I can only see a small part of the grand plan. I know He loves us. I know there's more to life than what we see. I have found a reason to choose the light every day. That's the miracle of Abigail for me and our family. We choose light because it's where Abigail rests. We choose light because it's the home of our someday reunion.

God bless you in your own challenges as you choose light over darkness, kindness over isolation, and hope over despair. May God be with you in peace and joy!

GoFundMe for Medical Costs

The Dream About the Well

Soure: https://pixabay.com/photos/journal-write-blank-pages-notes-2850091/

Happy Father's Day!

A couple of days ago I remembered a dream that I had in August 2017. I went searching for it in my journal today and found it. Here is what it said:

...I had a dream that we were at a pool and were having so much fun! But most of the time, I was underwater [and] not breathing! Mom and Dad were having so much fun that  Corbin climbed into a well [because he wasn't being watched]. He fell down and drowned. I felt so sad. Before I could tell Mom and Dad, I saw a magician. He looked very poor. He had a cape and claimed that he could do everything. I asked him if he could make my brother alive again. The magician agreed. He pointed his wand to the well. The well was at the pool, so the water went down and came back up on the sides and fell down again. There was no pail. When the magician pointed his wand at the well, Corbin stood up and climbed up the well. and I was amazed! Corbin was alive again!

The moral? All's well that ends well!

All joking aside. I understand now that this dream wasn't about Corbin, though it was at the time. Now it's about Abigail. She fell into a well, metaphorically speaking. My whole family was sad and wished that she could have stayed longer

But her Heavenly Father, the greatest magician of all, recieved her into his glory. Abigail is not dead, and when we see her in heaven someday, we will be amazed and happy.

And we will realize that death is only a part of life.

Source:https://pixabay.com/photos/wishing-well-well-old-wood-wooden-76869/

Completion (GoFundMe Update3)

Phew, I just turned in my final literature review and the last assignment in my Neuroscience Advanced Writing class! I am done with another class! Pre-paper, my grade is 99% so I'm feeling pretty hopeful for an A in the class.

Since I'm closing the book, so to speak, on this class, I put all of the studies I read for the final paper into a binder. This doesn't include the online textbook reading I also did. Even though I wouldn't put this class up there with Biology and Chemistry in terms of difficulty, it was a challenge to read and interpret the data I chose to write about. I am just as relieved to see this class come to a close as I was excited about it beginning.

I hoped that studying neural tube defects after Abigail died from one would be therapeutic, and it definitely has been. It's also been extremely emotional at times, as all therapeutic treatments are. I had a mini health crisis in the middle of the term, but fortunately it wasn't on a day we had class. Doing it all online, thanks to Covid-19, actually saved me from having to travel by myself thirty-five minutes each way after a fainting episode of unknown cause. I don't know if Fall semester will be online, too, but I'm grateful at least that this term and next term are online.

I was also added yesterday to a Facebook support group for survivors of AFE (amniotic fluid embolism). The first thing I did was look up "vasovagal syncope" to see if it was something commonly experienced by AFE survivors. I was actually relieved when I found that others had similar experiences. I have a lot to process now because I've been warned that Sheehan's Syndrome is common after AFE. I already knew from my own scary experience losing consciousness that I would need to be aware of my nutrient levels, particularly electrolytes. This was a heads up that hormone levels may also be an issue. I am hoping vitamins will help my body to start regulating its own hormones so I won't need to supplement with synthetic hormones.

Who knew this experience would make me an expert in so many little known diseases? 😊

Our GoFundMe campaign to cover our medical expenses has been going so well, thanks to the generosity of so many new and old friends, family, and even a few friends of friends. Your kindness and gifts have blessed us in two ways: 1) the financial relief which cannot be overstated! and 2) the emotional relief to see such love expressed. We know we are not alone in this, the most difficult experience of our lives. Thank you!

We stand at $3,614 raised with GoFundMe and $129 donated outside.

That means we still need $1,329 to reach our goal and pay all the medical bills. Please consider sharing this fundraiser link:

https://gf.me/u/x7ftk4

I'll close by sharing a few pictures of the flowers blooming in Abigail's memorial garden in our front yard right now.

yellow snapdragon

pink and white begonias

purple violas

a budding white shasta daisy

Almost Touching (GoFundMe Update2)

Woot! We just cleared $3,000! THANK YOU! We are now 3/5 of the way to our goal of $5,072. That's math I like to do!

Keep sharing, my friends! We are optimistic about reaching our goal in just a few weeks!

Last night, after everyone was in bed, I drove to the cemetery to put more water in the vase by Abigail's grave. I love to run my fingers over the laser-engraved imprint of her actual footprints (bigger than actual size, but exactly the right shape and lines). Of course nothing can replace actually getting to squeeze her squishy little one-of-a-kind left foot. It was my favorite. We called it her baby doll foot.

Yesterday and today I've been working on revision of my literature review about neural tube defects like the anencephaly that affected Abigail. Next week I will turn it in as my final for the class. It has been incredible to learn much of the science and the mysteries behind the miracle of embryonic development. Babies are miracles, every single one. That so much went right with Abigail's growth and development is a miracle, one we are still celebrating. I hope I get to be part of finding answers to lingering questions. It's a struggle worth giving in this life that's worth living.

Thank you again for your role in our story!

Miracles are still happening! (GoFundMe Update1)

Our hearts are full today. We are so thankful for the outpouring of support we have received from our friends, from our family, and from strangers. We love you and are grateful you've decided to become part of our story.

We have been so inspired to see Abigail's story shared via Mike Crockett's beautiful video about her short and important life. It has been viewed now thousands of times! I am simply blown away by the tender comments, the promises of prayers, and the kindness of strangers. I know Abigail and angel babies with similar conditions have power in their stories -- power to inspire us to love more deeply and more truly, power to change the heart of a mother wrestling with the decision to continue her complicated pregnancy, power to remind parents to hug their little ones a little tighter tonight. We hope Abigail's bright light has made your life better in some way. We are so grateful to all who shared her story.

We have been praying for a solution to our financial problems, whether it happened through GoFundMe or some combination of factors. Well, we have really good news! Our medical bills just got lower, like, by a lot!

The total we now need is $5, 071.98! We are already over halfway there! Here is the breakdown, for the sake of transparency:

$2488.43 Last hospital bill (This is a huge difference from what it was! You should have seen Bill's face! You guys, we can't even express how grateful we are the hospital changed this patient responsibility amount.)
$2235.00 Katrina's postpartum root canal
$242.55 Child's ER visit for rollerblading accident
$106.00 Katrina's postpartum clinic visit to diagnose vasovagal syncope

We've changed our goal amount to reflect these huge reversals in our medical debt situation.

The best good that has come out of this fundraising experience already has been the treasured opportunity of sharing Abigail with the world. She's out there now for people to get to know on their own time, even beyond the urgency of a GoFundMe campaign.

Yesterday our family went to visit Abigail's grave with roses and lilies. I brought with me the first rose that grew on the Angel Face rose bush in Abigail's memorial garden in our front yard, a plant that Mike and Heather Crockett gave us at her funeral. Seeing that little angel statue, which represents Abigail to our young family, as she held that Angel Face rose, I felt a sense of completeness. The rose bush already has more buds getting ready to bloom and all of the things Abigail set in motion by her birth will continue growing and traveling, all the flowers and all the love. I'm grateful to have been part of this. I feel we have made Abigail happy. I know she is near, looking after her brothers who, heaven knows, need looking after. Thanks for being part of our journey to completion.

Please share this fundraising link with anyone who can help us reach our new, easier goal and also with the people your heart tells you need more Abigail in their lives. Thank you!!!

GoFundMe: https://gf.me/u/x7ftk4

A Fundraiser for Our Medical Expenses

We never imagined our beautiful daughter would come to us in this way. After being in discussion with the hospital financial aid office, we now know what our final costs are for Abigail's birth via C-section and her one day of round-the-clock NICU care, as well as my ICU stay for one day.

It's big. It's bigger than what we can do by ourselves, so we are asking for help.

Please share our GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/baby-abigail-changed-us-forever

When you share, you are doing two things. First, you're helping us to share this beautiful video put together by Mike Crockett that tells Abigail's story, how she spent one day with us, yet changed us forever. Second, you're helping us with a very real and pressing financial need.

Thank you for sharing and for your generosity. We know we can never pay everyone back for the help we have received and continue to receive. But we do believe in paying it forward. 

We have endeavored to be the kind of people who serve in church and community, help people move, and give to GoFundMe and Facebook fundraisers when people have the courage to ask for help. It does feel strange to be so much on the receiving end lately, but we know we must be realistic about our needs and not try to do it all on our own. We also, as I mentioned first, very much hope and believe that this GoFundMe fundraiser can be a vehicle for spreading Abigail's story and influence even more widely. God's will be done.

We love you and thank you for your love and support!

P.S. If you are uncomfortable donating through the GoFundMe website, you can donate via Venmo: @Katrina-Lantz-1

Homework

I finished my rough draft of a literature review on neural tube defects a few days ago. I still have the final draft to polish, but I'm happy with the progress I've made on the assignment so far. I chose neural tube defects as a topic because of Abigail. Her case of anencephaly was not classic. There's a different biological basis for her amniotic band syndrome than for classical neural tube defects like anencephaly and spina bifida. But even though her case isn't described in most of the studies and reviews I have read for this paper, a birth defect that impacts hundreds of thousands of babies each year worldwide is worth investigation. I feel a closeness to the other mothers in my anencephaly Facebook group. Our babies died of the same lack of a cranial vault and complications deriving from that. Learning more about anencephaly and its opposite neural tube defect, spina bifida, has been satisfying. I feel like I'm doing something.

I shared about this on my Facebook author page in a live video:



One thing I mention in the video toward the end is how hard it is for people to understand sometimes how parents feel when they receive this type of diagnosis for their babies. Sometimes medical professionals and others think terminating the pregnancy post-diagnosis would be the easiest thing, but it's not easy. A loss, at any stage of pregnancy, still feels like a loss. Pain is pain. Grief is grief. It does no good comparing one with another because these feelings are always keenly felt. They always feel huge. What most parents want, if they are shown their options and given enough information, is to have as much time with their children as possible. As a parent with intimate knowledge of how this feels, I feel like I have something to bring to this study that may be valuable to medical professionals and scientists. I want to study this more. Like I said, it makes me feel like I am doing something. I hope one day I will be able to add value to this scientific and human discussion on neural tube defects. For Abigail. For all the children with neural tube defects. For all the parents who are grieving and remembering their little ones.