Waiting for Abigail

Waiting for Abigail has been a hard but beautiful time for our family. We have thought more often of eternity and that which is eternal, like love and our relationships and the things we learn here. We have also thought in more urgent and realistic tones about mortality, the briefness of it, and the fact that no time is guaranteed to anyone. We will all die one day, and chances are that it will happen on a day we aren't expecting it.

Today all my pregnancy apps tell me I am 37 weeks pregnant and that my baby will be ready in a few more weeks, but they don't know that she is due tomorrow via C-section. We, her parents and a collection of doctors, have chosen her birth day. But even the doctors do not know for sure when she will die. So we hope. No time is guaranteed to anyone but we hope for time with her.

Time to hold her and smile at her and dance with her and sing to her. I don't know if we will get to feed her. I know there will be time enough to cry over her. We will certainly take pictures of her and memorialize her hands and her feet. We will dress her in beautiful clothes and wrap her in made-with-love blankets. We will introduce her to her five big brothers. She may or may not be breathing when we do.

The only time we are guaranteed to have with Abigail is the time that has already passed with her in my womb. Oh, and I cherish that time! I'm going to miss it so much. Not the aches and pains, but the rolls and punches, and especially the hiccups. Originally the doctor suggested a C-section date a week earlier than this one, at 36 weeks, but at our very next appointment I asked for it to be extended to 37 weeks. I had planned to go all the way to 41 weeks with her if she wanted it, but the risk of my dying was too great for the doctors' liking. Not to mention my husband's. So here we are, a day before the waiting for Abigail must come to an end. 

I'm so grateful for this "extra" week. I know it has made a difference in how we are able to accept whatever outcome we get. I think it has made a difference in how ready Abigail is. She's had hiccups every day, a good indicator of lung/brain cooperative development. I feel there is a good chance she will be able to breathe after all.

Of course, there are no guarantees.

Ready or not, tomorrow morning is the time. This waiting period will end. Her heart has always been so strong, so steady. I have to hope it will keep on beating.

Yesterday I was reading through old journal entries and found one from the day before we discovered Abigail's condition. We were 22 weeks along and I was writing about the difficulty of balancing school with motherhood:

"The fact that I only have a month left of this crazy balancing act is very comforting, though. I know that the tension I feel in seeking this balance is not going to go on consecutively forever. I will get a break next semester. A break to have a baby! And it's a girl! We are all thrilled. We are having a third ultrasound tomorrow, an official anatomy scan to be sure baby is thriving and developing as she should. Her name will be Abigail Réileen Lantz. The middle name is a combination of Renée and Eileen, the first name of my mom and the middle name of Bill's mom. She will be named after both of her grandmothers, which I love! She will likely be our last baby and our only daughter. That's a sad thing to say, but I am getting older and my body can't keep having babies, and the likelihood of getting another girl after this is low, too, seeing as we only have boys so far. Perhaps if we feel so inspired, we can adopt a few girls later on. It's tragic that even in the U.S. sex-selective abortions are done to kill baby girls in the womb and ensure a male baby is born. I will take anybody's unwanted daughters! How can you not want a girl? That's a broken society that can't value a mother in embryo like that.

Deep breath. My mantra with my husband right now is, 'We're going to get through this.'

Whatever we face, we are facing it together. That's the important thing. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings, but growth and adventure are guaranteed."

Growth and adventure are always guaranteed. They are the only thing that is. 

Abigail has already brought so much growth and joy into our lives. Our meeting tomorrow is full of unknowns. But love will be there. Hope will be there. I can't wait to hold her.