Was she alive?
They explained to me that she was born alive and breathing, and that she was with her dad. He had been able to join the family in our labor and delivery room. Together with my brother Tim and Bill's dad, Abigail's Grandpa Michael Lantz, Bill gave Abigail a name and a blessing according to our faith tradition. Abigail became a member of the Bill and Katrina Lantz family, a big, loud, loving, and mostly male group. God sent Abigail. She began her work immediately, tenderizing everyone who held her with a feminine spirit unlike anything I have ever felt. She was so soft yet unbelievably strong, fighting for many of the breaths she took in the brief life she was appointed. Her big, beautiful spirit was apparent even in the tiny, burdened body she presented with. I fell in love with her instantly. Abigail was allowed to stay by our side all day in the ICU. Special comfort care was given to her, including feedings through a tube due to her severe cleft palate. She made the sweetest little sounds. Before her birth, there were no guarantees and a lot of guesses. We hadn't known if we would be able to hear her cry at all, but her sweet voice broke my heart and changed it all at once.
Abigail wasn't expected to have eyes, but she had them, sweet little slits that stayed closed the entire time we had her. They had eyelashes and they cried real tears. The privilege of gently wiping away her tears is one I will forever cherish.
Abigail wasn't expected to have ears, but she had them, and we all loved to touch them and sing softly into them. She was sung the words of hymns, love songs, lullabies, and original compositions by five-year-old Daniel.
Abigail wasn't expected to have hair but she had locks of short, dark, curly hair. It was beautiful. In a house full of blondish boys, her hair was just one of the things that made her unique.
Abigail had a sweet little chin like her brothers' chins, and very kissable chubby cheeks, which I stroked softly for hours while watching her breathe.
Abigail's skull ended just above her ears, and her nose and mouth were intermingled due to the amniotic band syndrome that interrupted the head's development. The placenta was sewn into the top of her head. She had challenges because of these things, and the most obvious was that breathing could become very difficult at times. It was hard to watch her struggle, and I was proud of her strength and determination. She lived for one entire day and one entire night.
In her last moments, Abigail's powerful heart slowed gradually to a stop. I held her, skin to skin on my chest until long after her heart stopped. Bill sat beside us, praying and saying goodbye with us. Moments later, Abigail was welcomed into heaven by an even bigger, louder family up there. Breathing was no longer a labor she had to fight through, and the songs she heard then were so much sweeter than even the sweetest lullaby or original composition we could give her here.
On Tuesday, at 8:51am, my heart stopped. But on Wednesay morning at 7:20am, Abigail's heart stopped and mine shattered to expand. I am in more emotional pain than I have ever felt in my comparably long life, but I am also in more love.
Abigail has changed me forever. She has changed all of us in her family, forever.
See God at work. He sent an angel to our family, and we will never be the smaller creatures we used to be. Our hearts are much bigger now. They have room to ache and room to soar, room to love and room to break. Abigail gave us all a super power. Her life and death can make us more tender with each other, so that we never want to hurt each other again. Her powerful example of acceptance in the face of huge trials can make us stronger, so that we believe in our power to persevere through the most difficult challenges. Her quiet but giant spirit and the love that emanated from her tiny being can remind us that God is love and that is so much bigger than any of us alone can fathom. We are eternal beings with eternal purpose. Abigail's life didn't start on Tuesday and it didn't end on Wednesday. Her life stretches before us and after us for eons, and thank heaven for that. Because the world needs more Abigail.
The world needs more tenderness and quiet strength in trial, and love. Above all things, the world needs more love.
I hope I will never forget the way she has touched my heart and shattered it to expand it. I hope my life will bear testament to her sacrifice in coming into that tiny little body with so many struggles. I hope our spirits will continue to be and feel united in that great common cause of godly love. I cannot imagine life without Abigail. I would sooner have to imagine life without joy. But life is joy. I will feel Abigail in the embraces of her dad and her brothers. I will recognize her in every beautiful thing I see or hear. She will be everywhere to me, in a song or a dance, in a flower or a work of art, in a sunrise or a sunset, in a forest or a garden.
She is with God and that love is everywhere.
I cannot forget it while I still feel and breathe it.
I thank God for sending Abigail Réileen Lantz. Hold the gate open for us, baby girl. We are coming, in God's good time.
I have loved you since forever
And now I remember
It aches and it stretches
My heart reaches out to yours
I have known you for forever
And now I remember
It grows and it trembles
My heart knows yours
I have sat with you before
Somewhere far away and long ago
And now I remember
And I will never forget again.
For Abigail Réileen Lantz
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