I Miss Her

I miss Abigail.  I miss her for so many reasons.  I have waited so many years to be able to hold a baby girl of my own and when I finally got to hold her, it was only for a few hours and then she was gone.  I miss her when I wake up in the morning and the kids are running around like crazy.  Maybe they would be a little bit calmer if I was sitting on the couch with Abigail in my arms, they would realize that they need to settle down a little bit more and not run around so much.  Maybe if they heard Abigail crying, they might notice they are being very loud or obnoxious and change what they are doing.  Maybe if we had Abigail around, they would have been able to give mommy a break a few times during the day so she could spend some special time with Abigail while feeding her.

I miss the smell of newborn baby and being able to laugh with her while I'm spending time with her.  We've always wondered for the past few years if having a baby girl would help to settle these boys down a little bit.  We won't know, at least not any time soon, as we still struggle to help our kids to be happy and obedient.  Yesterday was a struggle, as one thing after another happened, wondering if there was a little girl around here, if the boys might stop acting the way that they do sometimes.  But we also started to get some flowers in her garden over the last few days

I miss being able to think about Abigail without being on the verge of tears.  Katrina and I joked around when we were first married. She called me "heartless" one time when I looked over at her during a sad time in a movie and I wasn't crying and she was.  I knew she was joking, but could see where she was coming from.  I didn't cry much.  Now, if we watch anything that even closely resembles something happening to a little girl, I can barely stop the tears.  Katrina has been asking me to write a post and I think I've been mostly avoiding it because I didn't want to think about Abigail.  If I don't think about her, then I won't cry.  I don't like being vulnerable.  I don't want to be vulnerable.  I struggle with being vulnerable.

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I wrote this blog post a few days ago.  It wasn't a good day for me, but I wrote what I wrote.  I wanted to delete this post, but I felt it was important to share my feelings.

Since then, things have settled down a little bit.  Today is Easter Sunday and we got to go the cemetery to talk to Abigail at her grave site.  We think about Abigail regularly in our home, sometimes when we want to and sometimes when we don't.  We are grateful for the knowledge and testimony we have of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We know we will get to see Abigail again when she is resurrected, just like the Savior was, and we will be able to spend some time with her and I'll get to dance with her.