Sunday 15 November 2020
Singing to Abigail
Friday 13 November 2020
Last Night's Nightmare, My Reality
Wednesday 11 November 2020
A Year From Abigail's Anencephaly Diagnosis
Thursday 10 September 2020
Six Months Later, Celebrating Her Life
We miss Abigail every single day.
Recently we were able to celebrate her half birthday (August 25, 2020) and the six month anniversary of my death and rebirth. It was a special day and we packed it with ways of remembering our sweet angel sister.
We experienced a few small miracles
No such thing as coincidences:
1) Our masks arrived from Anencephaly Hope
2) Abigail's Angel Face rose had a full bloom on it. This is the rose bush our dear friends the Crocketts gave us at her funeral.
3) I saw white butterflies flitting around in her garden throughout the day. The butterfly is the symbol of infant loss.
Things we did to remember her
On Abigail's half birthday, we planted a Love Song rose bush and two lavender shrubs in her honor. What was one of the barest spots of the yard now has some pink and purple color to cheer it up. Happy Half Birthday, Abigail Réileen! 🌹
On Christmas Eve, we gave Abigail gifts, mostly things we promised to do.
On her half birthday, we met around her grave and reread our promised gifts to her. Mine is to write a song to remember her. I've written a lot of lyrics but the music hasn't come so easily. We have four months until next Christmas.
Moving forward with life and goals
Fall 2020 semester began at BYU recently. I'm trying to live my life to make Abigail proud of me, and that means walking through the paths God has already set for me. Being back on campus, when the last time I was there I held her in my body, is bittersweet. Everything reminds me of her.
Been pondering this truth lately.
When we die, we need nothing and we want nothing. We are sheltered and sustained by God's love and the peace that comes with it. As I was pondering this, a scripture came to my mind. It was, "Can ye feel so now?" Alma 5:26
"...and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"Then, like a rush of evidence to back this feeling up, other scriptures came to me.Fear not, little flock.Consider the lilies.Be of good cheer.Not even a sparrow.Perfect love casteth out fear.Be still and know.
And I realized that we don't have to wait to be dead before we can need nothing and want nothing because we are embraced by the Light. With trust, we can feel that peace now.
Mosiah 4:9-10"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend."
This past Sunday we had a blessed Sabbath.
In spite of the heavy grief that is still with me always, I am often surprised by the depth of joy that is also present in my life in moments of growth and connection with loved ones. It's alarming and yet beautiful to realize that the pain is the growth is the connection is the joy.
"the pain is
the growth is
the connection is
the joy"
Sunday 16 August 2020
Landmarks and Angels: A Dream
Last night I dreamed of a series of months, each about four weeks long, on a calendar. The goal of each week was to get through that week toward the end result of being changed. It's difficult to describe such an abstract dream--only that the feeling of hope and excitement and striving stayed with me.
At its core, the strange dream was about earth life and progress. My hopes were about improving myself and helping others to progress as well. I think I was experiencing also the hopes of guardian angels on my behalf. They had goals--benchmarks, or maybe more aptly, landmarks--for me to reach so I would be on track for my destination, for my destiny.
Though this may sound self-centered, it was the opposite. I understood in this dream that my progress was tied up with the progress of those around me, and we were all connected--me and the angels and all the people in the world. Specifically, it mattered to my family what changes in myself I accomplished with the help of these angels, but others were affected, too... ripples.
Abigail first taught me the lesson of ripples, how even something seemingly small or brief in duration could send out life-altering and hugely influential ripples. We think of a baby as being helpless, powerless. But Abigail came with power, healing, and forgiveness.
Last night before I went to sleep, my tired mind slipped into thoughts of despair for my long human life. I've been reading made-up stories about immortals and thinking about the more difficult parts of life--the pain and the mundanity. I tried not to let those thoughts be my last thoughts before bed. Using all my practice in controlling my own mood and thoughts, I forced them into a hopeful direction. I remembered my cousin's dream, which she shared with me, of our blissful reunion with Abigail as a young girl in heaven. And I let myself feel hope for that blessed day--that long-awaited reunion.
It was enough.