Singing to Abigail

It's windy at the cemetery, which is common. We huddled around Abigail's grave as a family and I sang her one of my favorite primary songs, "I Often Go Walking."

https://youtu.be/wwkxXI7W1jM

I wanted to replace the first "mother" with "Abigail" to say, "Dear Abby, all flowers remind me of you."

Corbin (4) sang an original song he made up on the spot. The first line was, "When Abigail loves you, your heart begins to love." ❤️

So true! 🌻🌷🦋🦉🌹🌸🌺🌼🥀

Last Night's Nightmare, My Reality

What a tender, awful nightmare. It's hard to put it into words.

Abigail, our Abigail, was there with us, and I was taking care of her: picking her up and putting her down for sleep, though she wouldn't sleep. She cried and I tried to comfort her. It broke my heart that I couldn't comfort her.

And then the realization hit me that she was not really here at all; it was only an illusion of her, and even the illusion was painful because she was inconsolable.

And I asked myself if I could give up the illusion of her, understanding that it wasn't real and that I couldn't have her in fullness, in reality. It was either this painful illusion of caring for my daughter or nothing.

And yet, I couldn't let go. Even the dream was hard to let go as I felt myself waking from it. I wanted to stay there with her, even just the illusion of her -- in spite of the pain of watching her cry and being unable to calm her.

I cannot let her go, even after she is gone.

A Year From Abigail's Anencephaly Diagnosis

Here, in pictures, is my path on campus to my one in-person class.

I'm thankful today for professors, guidance counselors, and teaching assistants whose personal interest in my success has buoyed me up through what has been the most difficult year of my life. 

November 8 marks a year from the day we received the fatal prognosis of our first daughter's anencephaly. 💔

I still remember going to class the next time after and staying after class to tell my neurobiology professor about the anencephaly diagnosis. She hugged me and gave me the best comfort she could have given me about the reality of my daughter's spirit despite this birth defect.

Since then I have received nothing but support from every teacher. It hasn't always meant a good grade in the class or an easy time. It hasn't meant that at all. 

But it has meant shared humanity and kindness and shared growth. I'm grateful for that. 🦋🦉🌻🌷☀️