Yesterday was the one week birthday of our first daughter. Today is the one week anniversary of her death.
I woke this morning with a heavy grief.
Today they shipped this special gravestone (pictured above) for Abigail Réileen Lantz. It should arrive from New York in 3-5 days. I am still feeling a lot of pain, physically and emotionally, from the birth and death of Abigail. My heart hurts. I ache to hold and touch and kiss her.
The stone has her perfect little footprints in a heart. I wish we could already afford the marble angel statue I want for her memorial, but that is $1000 out of our reach at the moment. As we get our finances in order, file for a tax refund, and find out how much exactly we owe to the hospital and the obstetricians, we will be able to gauge just how much more we need to purchase the statue. Then we will be able to complete her memorial.
I love her so much, and I'm struggling against a lot of thoughts of guilt that I couldn't be more present while we were in the ICU together, that I didn't hold her enough, or that I somehow neglected her care. I tell myself I was stuck in that bed with a central line through my neck and a catheter, and that she had around-the-clock care from NICU nurses. That eases the guilt, but the grief is still there. I don't know if I will ever be okay with everything that happened. Her life was just too short.
But then again, it is a miracle she had a life outside the womb at all. She is a miracle.
When will I hold her again?
Update: One of Bill's sweet aunts set up a fundraiser for us to be able to get the marble angel statue for Abigail's grave. In just a few hours, friends and family raised the $1000 we needed to purchase our angel memorial. Thank you so much!
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