I wanted to help with Abigail's casket so today I made a cushion to lay her on. There are still many things to do and arrange, from her temporary grave marker to a vault for her casket. Details I didn't expect to be focusing on at 32 weeks pregnant.
Her cushion is made of just the prettiest fabric I could find, something that might have made a lovely sundress under different circumstances. Because everything about Abigail Réileen is sunshine to me.
Her flower garden won't bloom until a few months after her death, but it will bloom every year. We'll make sure of that.
I just know that Abigail would have loved a garden, and I hope in some way that she still will. Some things you can simply sense, like the feeling I have that Abigail is an optimist. Her spirit is so strong, and maybe a little bit mischievous, but she is full of life and full of hope. Gardens are all about life and hope.
So this beautiful shimmering flowery print seemed a perfect thing on which to lay her when we have to put her down for the last time.
The more Bill and I talk about the details, and the closer the inevitable day creeps, the more surreal the whole thing feels. We should be planning for a birth, and we are, but the birth is so closely shadowed by a death. My nesting instincts usually have me painting or cleaning to prepare the house and nursery space. But now all that nervous anticipation is channeled into trying to honor Abigail in the way she deserves. I can't let her down, and yet I already feel like I have.
Doing these little things helps me to feel like I'm doing something for her. Of course nothing feels big enough. What would you do to honor your firstborn daughter?
Only four weeks to go.
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